エッセー・ライティング・コース: 課題の添削例1

Please write a 100-150 word paragraph about at least two reasons you had for:

• Taking an important trip,
• Making a job change, or
• Making a life decision (such as getting married or buying a new car).

There are two reasons why I came to the USA. One is giving
my daughter a good opportunity to stay foreign country.
With this experience, she is able to learn real English,
and mingle with other friends from various countries.
The other is improving my English to the point where I am
satisfied with it. In fact, I have been spent a lot of
time and money studying English, but I still don
't know how to say it in English most of the time, so by
the time when I go back to Japan, I want to achieve this
goal.

There are two reasons why I came to the USAUnited States. One is giving
my daughter a good opportunity to stay foreign country.
With this experience, she is able to learn real English,
and mingle with other friends from various countriesthe opportunity to live in a country where she can learn English from native
speakers and mingle with children from other cultures.
The other is improving my English to the point where I am
satisfied with it. In fact, I have been spentspent a lot of
time and money studying English, but I still dondon'
' know how to say it in Englishthings correctly most all of the time., so However, by
the time when I go back to Japan, I want to achieve have achieved this
goal.

There are two reasons why I came to the United States. One is giving my daughter the opportunity to live in a country where she can learn English from native speakers and mingle with children from other cultures. The other is improving my English to the point where I am satisfied with it. In fact, I have spent a lot of time and money studying English, but I still don't know how to say things correctly all of the time. However, by the time I go back to Japan, I want to have achieved this goal.

I am going to explain a few of the changes that I made. Please ask me if you have questions about the rest of the changes. I believe you meant to say that you want your daughter not just in any foreign country, but the United States. Therefore, I changed your sentences to reflect this idea. The words "I still don't know how to say it" would confuse English readers who would ask "How to say what? What is IT?" So I changed this sentence to read "say things." And the last most important change was adding "However" to the beginning of the final sentence. The reason for this is to provide a "transition" from one sentence to the next: to connect your ideas. Your original writing was good content-wise, but I have made structural and grammatical changes that make it much clearer and easier to read in English.