エッセー・ライティング・コース: 課題の添削例2

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課題

Choose one of these two topics and write a paragraph with topic, body/supporting, and concluding sentences.

なお、この課題は、旧課程に則っていた第3期以前の期で課されていたものです。同じ課題が現行課程で課されるとは限りません。

受講者から提出された作文

以下は生徒さんのお一人が提出なさったものを、お名前を変えた以外はそのまま載せています。なお、不自然な位置で改行が起こっているように見えるかもしれませんが、これは後の講師による添削結果と改行位置を合わせるため、強制的な改行を挿入しているからです。

2008.4.8

Taro Yamada

 

My best friend

 

            Takashi is my best friend, whom I had been to medical school with. We began to learn the

violin together when we entered our university and we had had much talks with each other about

not only school works but also musics, daily life, and so on. He is so ready-witted that he

understood well my personality including inner aspects and helped me do something better. For

example, when we were sophomore, he helped me do my love affair. I was worried about

communications with my girl friend because we were getting separated with her admission of

university at that time. However, he gave me some advice and let us do well. In addition, he invited

us to the cheerful events every time when she came home to see her parents. I could also do well

various other things with him. So he is my best friend and I will never forget him though now we

have less and less time to meet because of our jobs.

講師による添削結果

以下はWordの画面に表示されるものをシミュレートしています。"[Comment数字]"の部分については、講師からのコメントがあります。最近のブラウザでご覧になっている場合は、その上にマウスカーソルを置くと、そのコメントがポップアップします。

2008.4.8Taro Yamada

Taro YamadaApril 8, 2008

 

My best Best friendFriend

 

            Takashi is my best friend., whom I had been to medical school with. We began to learn the

 violin together when we entered our universityin college, and we also went to medical [Comment1] school together. We talked all the time, not only about school,and we had had much talks with each other about

 not only school works but also about musics, daily life, and so on. He is so ready-witted[Comment2] extremely insightful, so  that he

always understood well my personalityme very well, including the inner aspects of my personality, and was always able to  helped me do something betterwith my problems. For

 example, when we were sophomores, he helped me do my love affairwith [Comment3] my relationship. I  was worried about

 communications staying in touch with my girlfriend because we were getting separatedshe was leaving for collegewith her admission of

 university at that time. However, he Takashi gave me some good advice and let us [Comment4] do wellhelped me handle the situation better. In addition, he always invited

 usboth of us to the cheerful events [Comment5] every timemany parties and get-togethers when she came home to see her parents. I could also do well

 various other things with him. [Comment6] So he is my best friend, and I will never forget him, though now we

 have less and less time to meetto see each other because of our jobs.


 [Comment1]I think you are saying that you went to both college and medical school together, so I moved the facts into chronological (time) order.

 [Comment2]Ready-witted in English is VERY formal and could also mean “good sense of humor.”

 [Comment3]In English, “love affair” is very dramatic; I think you probably want a less dramatic term here.

 [Comment4]You don’t want to use “let” because it sounds like he gave you permission.

 [Comment5]In English, “cheerful events” would be more likely to refer to parties for little children.

 [Comment6]This is vague; you need to give an example of what other sorts of activities you are talking about.

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