このページでは、エッセー・ライティング・コースにおける課題がどのような形で添削されて返されるかのサンプルの一つをお見せします。他のサンプルについては、課題添削例のページをご覧下さい。
Choose one of these three topics and write a paragraph with topic, body/supporting, and concluding sentences.
なお、この課題は、旧課程に則っていた第3期以前の期で課されていたものです。同じ課題が現行課程で課されるとは限りません。
以下は生徒さんのお一人が提出なさったものを、お名前を変えた以外はそのまま載せています。なお、不自然な位置で改行が起こっているように見えるかもしれませんが、これは後の講師による添削結果と改行位置を合わせるため、強制的な改行を挿入しているからです。
Hanako Yamada
April 17, 2008
Tokyo Tower
If we, Japanese people are asked what the symbolic architecture of
Japan is, many of us would answer "Tokyo Tower." The tower, whose
appearance looks like the Eiffel Tower in Paris, is 333 meters tall and like
many other towers, it has an observatory providing the special view down
from there. In addition, what the tower fascinates us is its illumination at
night. The color changes each season; an orange light in winter and a white
incandescent light in summer. It is so beautiful and romantic. Recently, a
novel and films inspired by Tokyo Tower became a big hit throughout Japan.
In 2006, one of those films, titled "Always: Sunset on third street" was
awarded as the best film of Japan. The film shows the memories and hopes of
the local people of 1958 Tokyo, during the construction of Tokyo Tower. At
that time, the Japanese economy recovered from the war and families
acquired modern electric goods for the first time. For many Japanese,
especially the middle-aged and older people, the film recalls a sense of
nostalgia for the late 1950s, a post-war Japanese "good old days." Because of
such background, Tokyo Tower still has widespread popularity as the
Japan's symbolic architecture. But there is an ongoing project to build a new
tower with which will replace Tokyo Tower in 2011. Though the new
610m-tall tower doesn't have its name yet, it will become another center of
Tokyo with cutting-edge design and technology. Even so, Tokyo Tower will
remain as a must-see landmark and attract us as ever.
以下はWordの画面に表示されるものをシミュレートしています。"[Comment数字]"の部分については、講師からのコメントがあります。最近のブラウザでご覧になっている場合は、その上にマウスカーソルを置くと、そのコメントがポップアップします。
Hanako Yamada
April 17, 2008
Tokyo Tower
If
we, Japanese people, are asked what the most symbolic
architecture [Comment1]structure
of in Japan
is, many of us would answer “Tokyo Tower.” The tower, whose appearancewhich
looks very much like the Eiffel Tower in Paris,
is 333 meters tall, and like many other towers, it has
an observatory providing the special view down from therewhich
provides a wonderful view of the city. In addition, what the
tower’s night-time illumination
fascinates us. is its illumination at night.
The color changes each season:;[Comment2]
an orange light in winter and a white incandescent light in summer. It is so
beautiful and romantic. Recently, a novel and two films
inspired by Tokyo Tower became a big hits
throughout Japan. In 2006, one of those films, titled “Always:
Sunset on third street”Always:
Sunset on Third Street [Comment3]was
awarded
as the best film of Japan. awarded
best film of the year. The film shows the memories and hopes of the
local people of 1958 Tokyo, during the construction of Tokyo Tower.
At that time, the Japanese economy was recovered
recovering from the war [Comment4]World War II, and
families acquired modern electric goodsgoods and electricity
for the first time. For many Japanese, especially the middle-aged
and older people, the film recalls a sense of nostalgia for the late 1950s, a
post-war Japanese “good old days.” Because of such background, Tokyo Tower
still has widespread popularity as the Japan’s
most
symbolic architectural structuree.
But there is an ongoing project to build a new tower with which
will replace[Comment5] Tokyo Tower in 2011. Though
the new 610m-tall tower doesn’t have its a name
yet, it will become another centerpiece of
Tokyo with cutting-edge design and technology. Even so, the original Tokyo
Tower will remain as a must-see landmark and attract us as ever.
[Comment1]Architecture is too broad a term; it means ALL building styles.
[Comment2]A semicolon usually serves to divide two sentences; a colon is better for preceding a list witha more dramatic pause.
[Comment3]Movies are capitalized like essay titles and appear in italics.
[Comment4]You have to specify which war, even though we’re pretty sure which one you are referring to.
[Comment5]Replace? Or in addition to? This is unclear, though it seems in later sentences that you mean both will stand together in Tokyo.
