このページでは、エッセー・ライティング・コースにおける課題がどのような形で添削されて返されるかのサンプルの一つをお見せします。他のサンプルについては、課題添削例のページをご覧下さい。
この例では過去の期から実際のレッスン中の講評の様子の録音をお聞きいただけます。ファイル形式はMP3で、ファイルサイズ14MB強です。スレレオ録音で、講師の声が左チャンネル、受講生の皆さんの声が右チャンネルに録音されています。これで、エッセー・ライティング・コースがどのような雰囲気かを感じてください。
録音は30分強で、これは一編のエッセーの講評時間としてはまれな長さです。通常はこれより短くなります。
Are you familiar with any wild animals, birds, etc.? Write an essay describing how certain animals in your native country adapt themselves and fit into their environment.
なお、この課題は、旧課程に則っていた第3期以前の期で課されていたものです。同じ課題が現行課程で課されるとは限りません。
以下は生徒さんのお一人が提出なさったものです。
February 12, 2009
Japan giant salamander
There is a habitat for some native animals in Japan, including Japan giant salamander. They are designated as a protected species. There are many area of their mode of life has not been ascertained yet. But we have found some unique, as their appearance, ecology action.
Japan giant salamanders have distinctive shape and their body coloration is brownish-black. They have short hands compared to their body size. Their average length of body is 50 to 60 cm, sometime reaching up to 100cm. Their eyes are very small but mouth is huge with dental crowding. Their figure gives strong impression to us.
Japan giant salamanders as amphibian's breeding mechanism is an oviparity. The shape of their egg is a sub globular and it is coupled to each other by agar gel-like. The larva will be an imago for between four and five years and will metamorphose from a brachial respiration to pulmonary respiration. After pulmonary respiration, the imago comes up to the surface to take a breath once an hour. They live under water most of their life.
Japan giant salamanders live in mountain stream. They prey on frogs or fish. Their jowl has strong force to bite live baits. You may imagine that they trough many water creatures. But actually they eat a small fish per day. We have not known why they grow so large by only very small amount of nutrient input.
Lastly, Japan giant salamanders are very unique shape, less well understanding body mechanism and life. Chinese giant salamanders were imported as human consumption three or four decays ago. They have been converting to native animals. Hybridization is progressing. Based on a sampling test in a river in western Japan, approximately 40% are crossbreed. We have to carry out further investigations and consider a protection of the unique animals.
We do not have much time…
以下はWordの画面に表示されるものをシミュレートしています。"[Comment数字]"の部分については、講師からのコメントがあります。最近のブラウザでご覧になっている場合は、その上にマウスカーソルを置くと、そのコメントがポップアップします。
February 12, 2009
Japanese
[Comment1]giant Giant Ssalamander
There is a special habitat
for some native animals in Japan, including the Japanese
giant salamander. They areIt[Comment2] is designated as a protected species.
There are many area of their
mode ofis much about its life cycle
that has not been ascertained yet. But we have found some unique
aspects of its ecology, as
their appearance, ecology actionwhich are as unique as
its appearance.
[Comment3]
Japanese giant
salamanders have a distinctive shape and their body
coloration is brownish-black. They have short hands[Comment4]legs compared
to their body size. Their average length of body is
50 to 60 cm, sometimes reaching up to 100cm.
Their eyes are very small, but their mouths
is
are huge with dental crowding[Comment5]. Their figure gives
strong impression to usappearance makes a
strong impression on us[Comment6].
As amphibians, Japanese
giant salamanders as amphibian's
breeding mechanism is an oviparity[Comment7].lay eggs.
The shape of their egg is a sub-globular,
and it isthey are coupled to each other with
agar-like gel.by agar gel-like. The larva will be an imago for between four and five years and will
metamorphose from a brachial respiration system to a pulmonary
respiration system. After the pulmonary
respiration system is formed, the imago comes up
to the surface to take a breath once an hour. They live underwater
most of their livesfe. [Comment8]
Japanese giant salamanders
live in mountain streams. They prey on frogs or fish. Their jowl
hasjaws are strong force in
order to bite live baits. You may
imagine that they trough[Comment9] many water creatures. But actually they eat a small number
of fish per day. We have not knowndo not
know why they grow so large by with only
a
very small amount of nutrient input.
Lastly, Japanese giant
salamanders are have a very unique shape[Comment10], less well understanding body mechanism and life.
Chinese giant salamanders were imported as for human
consumption three or four decaysdecades
ago. They have been converting to native animals by
cross-breeding with Japanese giant salamanders. Hybridization[Comment11] is progressing. Based on a sampling test in a river
in Wwestern
Japan, approximately 40% of Japanese salamanders are crossbreeds.
We have to carry out further investigations and consider a protection of these
unique animals.
We do not have much time…
As a descriptive essay, this is good! Lots of details. However, the topic did not say to describe a native animal, it said to explain how a certain native animal has adapted in order to survive with human neighbors.
[Comment1]You are going to need the adjective form here because it is describing the noun salamander.
[Comment2]Singular, because the noun in the previous sentence is singular.
[Comment3]It was difficult for me to understand these sentences; so I tried to interpret them, then put them in a more clear English order.
[Comment4]"hands" are generally only used to describe humans; animals have "legs" or "paws," etc.
[Comment5]And lots of teeth?
[Comment6]In what way? What kind of an impression? Do they look scary?
[Comment7]This is an awkward construction, and not many readers are going to understand "oviparity" unless you define it.
[Comment8]This information looks like it may have come straight from an article. In real life, repeating informationfrom other sources is called "citation" and we use quotation marks or put in the author's name. I will talk to you more about this later.
[Comment9]I don't know what you mean here; a "trough" is a kind of long container where we put water for horses, etc.
[Comment10]we discussed the shape in the first body paragraph, so it seems confusing to have this detail here.
[Comment11]between these two species only?
